October, 1991

I haven't written in a while. It has really been too hard to process. Things have steadied out now though and I have a lot in me that needs to get out. On this new team, I'm more free to speak my mind. Maybe that's why I haven't written in some time, or maybe I've been through too much.

Hannah and I were shipped overseas to the headquarters of our new team, code name Gallant. Over the next couple of years we went through training. Their training was rigorous, transformative and abusive.

We were left alone in rooms that simulated extreme conditions, gusting wind, dense fog, searing heat and blistering cold. These were our classrooms.

I cried, screamed and shivered while I was taught through pumped in audio, television screens in the walls, and robotic test dummies.

Sometimes, I lost myself in the fog or chill. There was only information to grab onto. That and the hope that you'd die soon, but they would drive us only to the edge of that mercy.

I was taught every martial art practice the world had come up with, Judo, Muay Thai, Jiu-Jitsu, Krav Maga. I was taught five or six new languages. I was taught the political systems of each government body in the world, including the weak links in their chains. I was taught every means of self survival through simulation and trial runs. I was taught in depth in every technological study that may impact my ability to succeed in the field, tele-communication, weaponry, automotive and aircraft engineering and well… a lot more.

It was brutal. Horrible. I don't wish it on anyone, but I'm glad I am who I am now. I'm exactly what they wanted.

A weapon.

I had two points of light everyday. When they let us out of classroom we had time to do what we wanted. They called it free time. They encouraged my use of their high tech shooting range.

They had experimental guns and extremely difficult programs that stretched me, tested me. They monitored me and discovered my power. I was only able to tap into it during these shooting sessions. The brutality of the classroom didn't allow me to find it, but when I got to shoot I could find balance.

I split bullets, curved bullets, caused bullets to explode, empowered bullets to rip through material they shouldn't have been able to.

My balance ignited my projectiles in the colors of my mother's garden, the place I think, looking back, I first felt the harmony. In green, pink, purple, red and orange fire my bullets tore down their range everyday. Just as they tore me down everyday in the classroom; that's where I found the balance.

The second joy I had everyday was Hannah.

We slept together in each other's rooms. At first it was simply to have company in the horror of our training. We cried on each other's breasts night after night. As we became tougher and more dangerous we found humanity in being together.

She became my everything.

My ground, my sky, my love, my lover, my wonder, my hope and my future. We survived for each other. Surprisingly our superiors didn't mind our connection. I suppose we had enough isolation in our daily training.

Dear God… actually nevermind